Lip sluttin

Its the phase post break up that so many of my friends have or are currently 'enjoying'. I use the term enjoying loosely, because some of my girls have even been smooching red heads and that cant be enjoyable surely? jokes. i love my ginger nut biscuits.

I thought maybe something (like watermelon lip smackers) was in the water back home but even ladies in my life over here are taking to the streets and bars to give up their lip real estate to the highest bidder, or sometimes just the guy standing next to the highest bidder and sometimes he has really bad shoes on.. seriously get back into the o.g vans already (puhlease).

I hear some freaking awesome stories of my friends smooch-scapades which I will share now and then get chinese burns for later (sorry!). My girlfriend actually dropped the name of another semi-amateur-famous-XY she had kissed and the guy she was talking to was so psyched on her connections she was forced into some lip sluttin at the pub. On Friday I was out with some girls and we caught one girl casually making out with a roger random and she quipped 'i dont like this music, so i had to find something to keep me occupied while you were dancing'. So good. I personally go look at myself in the mirror and fix my fringe or go buy chocolate bars (bounty please!!) from down the street rather than get tricky with my lippy but each to their own. Another girl would just randomly disappear to the centre of the dance floor (real secret huh?) and then we caught her letting a boy eat her voicebox. Im not being funny with words, she actually lost her voice after her steamy session. My mate. Until she fell over buying a kebab, then she was your mate.

I love how lackadaisical my ladies seem. It makes me give peace signs and say 'girl power' in a fake essex accent and just generally feel very empowered. I am a total frigid still and yet to have my post break up lip slut up but I remember about four years ago I went to a festival when I was newly single and thought I had an awesome time because I didnt remember anything except buying my friend Sam a pauper boy's cap and then skinning my knee and having an ambulance officer also named Melissa bandage up my leg.  Shout out to St John's and thanks for the minties.

Sounds awesome huh? Yeah it was awesome until all the Animals of Farthing Wood (and trust me none of them were as cool as Fox or Badger) came out of their hiding spots over the following month and I had made out with every single one of them. Gross, I'm not just saying I dont remember and sally secretly i actually do. I have no recollection so I would have been the worst get ever. oh ashamed does not even cut close to how i feel... and it gets worse because many of them were from the same group of friends. eurgh. Lip slut guilt. This could be what keeps me out of a repeat performance. Dont judge me please, i'm went to the self help group and i'm so reformed i'm almost catholic. I totally walk by a church every week day.

The lip sluttin phase is followed closely by post traumatic pash-ression, a deep dark depression caused by reminscing on how super not-your-type all those boys were. I remember someone telling me 'be careful, because when you break up with some one you will just start making out with a new dude every night of the week and then you will feel shit about yourself' so i ain't making this shit up girls, you all know its true! This phase is dangerous and as tough as you think you are dancing around to Beyonce's 'Single Ladies' anthem, you may fall victim to the super sads after lip sluttin on the town. But i'm not your mother so do what feels good, but wear blistex for protection, some peeps think you can fall pregnant from french kissing.

now enjoy this..