Access granted (1)

I was recently sitting on a couch with a boy (who is trapped in a 29 year old body) eating ‘everything but the…’ ben and jerry’s icecream. It did not lie, it had everything but the… anything I could eat. Sad face emoticon. He was in charge of the spoon, making sure I didn’t get any nuts and so be it that each spoonful had nuts.

Him: Oh this mouthful has nuts
Him: This spoonful has nuts too
Me: Can I try get a scoop for myself?
Him: Wait, here you go.. no wait that’s a nut.

Watching the final season of Seinfeld with commentary for added tid bits and now eating ritz crackers and peanut butter (something I would regret when my head was pasted to the toilet bowl) we began talking about girls. I mean it was Sunday night and the slumber party was well and truly in full swing.. we had already exchanged ghost stories with torches to our faces. Im not playing the fool, we really did and you should try it, good fun for your belly.

Him: girls are just fucking crazy
Me: ? (I didn’t say “question mark” I just sort of waited for him to continue with an interested expression on my face)
Him: guys just lay it on the line, you can never know what girls are thinking- they are fucking nuts.
Me:  unless they are allergic.
Him: what?
Me: ok yes we are all fucking crazy nutfaces.
Him: I know right?!

I agree that girls are complex critters but it pains me when I sit with my male friends lurking girls and they can’t pick up on OBVS moves. Girls every day, all over the world (but less so in some chic European countries I have labelled unattain-her-zones) are putting themselves on the line for boys who catch their eye, granting them - mother fucking access (not literally- mums are no go zones). So now I’m going to help cute boys and cute girls all over the world get smooching (only in attain-her-zones) 

This week:

The wet-washing wander. 

My friend ummmed and ahhhed over whether he should give this cute-as-peach-pie girl (at this epic burrito spot which changed my life, more on that later) his number. While we were waiting for them to wrap up magic in tortilla bread (and yes i’ll have fried plantains and spicy mayo in my baby) she casually sauntered out from behind the counter and stood just metres from us staring at a wall adorned with shitty photos which she sees every day for atleast 9 hours. THEN she just lingered there some more like a wet dish cloth seeking more sunlight. Im pretty sure she wasn’t checking to see if any photos were missing (if you buy their t shirt for 12 dollars and snap a pic, you too could be on that wall) so she was definitely hanging herself out to dry waiting for my friend to take in the washing.

This is a classic and i promise every cute boy that she will laugh at whatever lame pile of words you decide to throw her way, she may even lightly kick your shin bones... and then my friend IT IS ON.

Stay safe kids, spf 30+ and all that.