what she said

How do you find out if your boyfriend is cheating on you? 

Little Miss Berlin answers it for you:

with my first serious relationship, i was so completely able to trust my boyfriend that it was a shock to start dating again and realise that most men had wandering eyes..even when i was with them, so who knows what other part of their body was wondering when i wasn't with them. there hasn't been a single guy since who i felt i could completely trust not to cheat on me and that is without even having been cheated on (to my knowledge). 

this, i believe, is particularly as a result of living in fast-paced 'single cities' where everyone is there 'for a good time, not a long time'. men and women alike, are out so frequently and meeting new people so often, that the guy you exchanged numbers with on tuesday is forgotten by thursday. that's if you even remembered what name you saved the guy from tuesday in your phone as by wednesday morning. (try the name of the bar you were at!) but maybe it's the same wherever you live because it's not human nature to be attracted to more than one person at a time.  that doesn't mean everyone acts on the attraction though. 

if you are so concerned about it:

a) you're paranoid and have trust issues that have something to do with your father and/or having been cheated on before.

b) he is. just straight up ask him when he's not expecting it. his reaction will be telling when caught off-guard (unless he's an actor. or a musician, but only a front man, bass players permanently seem unnerved. that's their charm. and if you've got a bass player, they're not the cheating types. unless it's a band where the bass player is also the front man, in which case you should consider the guitarist). 

c) if he is, he will slip up soon enough. and then you will be out of this misery of doubting him and doubting yourself and can start to move on. but don't rush and remind yourself that they're not all like this (i have at least two male friends who are really decent). a friend told me that his dad's advice was, 'Get everything out of your system while you can so that when the right girl does came along, you're completely hers'. Many decades later, the advice giver in this story - a ladies man in his youth - is still happily married to the 'right girl' who came along in the midst of all the other ones.  

that story gave me hope. i hope it gives you some too, if not about your current boyfriend, about the next one (and even more so if you find yourself with a guy that has been around a bit. see it as a positive, not a negative!).

he buys me cupcakes and walks me home

So after I didn't kiss the cutest boy ever to be in my company, I feared the time I would have to see him again. That means I feared the time contained in a whole working day (roughly 8 hours) because at 5pm I had a text from Justin asking where my work was situated in relation to Old St because he would come meet me. OH SHIT! wait what?! did he not remember what i foolishly did? I explained the route 55 bus and when I left work at not a moment past 6 he was there finishing rolling a cigarette. Dudes that roll - way cooler than store bought fiends. I'm not suggesting you take up smoking though. I dig oxygen.

We walked into Soho and my eyes lit up at the beautiful hummingbird bakery, with all their dainty delights teasing my sweet teeth but I didn't stop because I didn't want him to think I was only into food (not yet anyway). That didn't last long because we stopped at this cute pizza-by-the-slice place as Justin was famished. let me tell you - watching an american eat pizza (whilst I too was consuming pizza). living the dream. they do it better, a way sexy type of better. 

We hung out on a gutter (classy am i) bordering soho square and I learnt more about him. My belly did flips. He was nice, but not in a way that made me want to be friends with him.. nice in a way that made me try use my brain power to make him touch my cheek, which he often did when I smiled. It was like the night before was forgotten, which was good for my lame self. He walked me home and scurried to meet his friends and said he would call me tomorrow. Oh yeah, i've heard that before.

But he did. He was out the front of my work the following night and this time he came armed with a strawberry frosted vanilla cupcake. This was amazing for two reasons.

1. that's my favourite flavour combination

2. he had listened to my dribble about all compact iced cakes

We walked to a nearby square and i ate my gift merrily. He told me he would always buy me cupcakes if it meant my eyes would light up as they did. SOULMATE? he fed me. and i got fed. This continued for a few days. I would get cupcakes, cones of extra dark chocolate and cherry icecream and sometimes boost bars. He would get the pleasure (??) of watching me eat. Hey, don't judge I held up my end of the bargain, my eyes burned brightly when the treats were presented to me. I'm a slut for the sweet stuff.

Justin would never let me walk home alone (chivalry lives here, next to Jack) but he would never impose and ask to come inside. I fought with myself. I wanted him to come to my room so i could kiss him. on the lips (oooohh). But i also didn't want him to come inside, as i was so utterly painfully nervous and didn't want a repeat non performance. So we continued to hang out. He would push me into people passing by so I looked like a fool, he would stop and tie my shoelaces and he would lean on me when we queued (usually for food) and hug my head. he is good at hugging my head.

Our mutual friends told me Justin kept asking if I was interested in him because he couldn't read me. well im not a book but they told him I was retarded when it came to boys. That was probably a bit harsh? I wish they would go back to throwing wet tea bags at my fringe. I went home every night and made my housemate listen to my stories of how i didn't kiss the boy. Why was I doing this? I was thinking maybe its because i'm so completely hung up on my ex boyfriend. But that's a cop out. If you like cupcakes but your cupcake fell into a puddle of filthy water and got jiggy with a big forehead and you are given an ice cream instead.. you eat the ice cream. right?

TBC- i cannot believe it but there is more!

how do you find out if your boyfriend is cheating on you? revisited.

So, wow. I thought when I sat on the end of my bed and typed shit on this screen and then posted it into cyberspace I was doing no harm. I was just maybe a light sugary accompaniment to your weetbix in the morning. Maybe the honey on your raisin toast or maybe the splenda in your coffee. I was devastated when I received the emails and comments regarding THAT post. Some of you are fucking mean. No offence! but I really do hope you take offence.

My favourite email was one which said 'you are a poisonous caterpillar' but it didn't say caterpillar. instead it used a much more awfully offensive C word that i refuse to utter on my keyboard for fear it will call me a slag. I cried a little. I was too scared to post anything because some lady guilted me for giving such advice* to her daughter and I have always feared mothers more than any other food group. So I have a few things to say.... 

Firstly, I'm only 23, I don't know shit about anything except Gossip Girl and the new Alexander Wang collection. I only know what I have experienced and that is all I can call upon. I would be horrified if anyone asked me a question (anonymously) and then used what I said as a gospel or bible on how to deal with a situation. I think people who read the little silly nonsense i post, know this. I think they know, it all comes with a grain or more likely a tablespoon of salt. And hey at least you won't suffer from cramps.

*Secondly, I don't give advice in the strictest sense. I'm not an advice columnist and if you are after that sort of heavy shit go read Agony Aunt. I could have easily strung together some tired advice like 'oh the real issue here is that you don't trust him' but that didn't answer the question. The question was HOW do you find out. And the mechanism word there is 'HOW' so i gave this girl a way to do it.

Thirdly, Boys should not live in fear of their girlfriend demanding their passwords. Girls should not live in fear of cheating boyfriends. If I have to do a brief agony aunt interlude: talk. Talk Talk Talk. Every situation is different, there is no cookie cutter solution. To prove this, I have invited some of my brilliant savvy girlfriends to guest post on the very same question. I think all their points are valid. I hope you will be nice to them. No c words please.

Let's get this show on the road again.... shall we hug to make up?

mboots. x

i met a boy and i liked him

If you know me, you know I am possibly the most awkward person to ever get sexy with. I'm really good at being- everydudeIevermeet's little sister - but I'm not so good at first kisses. The road to first base for me is like a 400m race but with hurdles and ditches full of sand (hot burning sand) and maybe some Vulcan the Gladiator action making sure I never ever get there. Do you remember Vulcan? His theme song was 'Boom, shake shake shake the room' and therefore he was awesome.

Usually when I like a boy which is rare I do as much as possible to ruin any chance of being with them. I order more food than them insulting their manhood. I scream when they try touch me on escalators (escalator loving is not cool). I shake their hand when they try hold my hand. I put pillows over my head when they share my bed. I just don't make it easy. Why? i don't know, i'm born with a severe case of nerves and frigidness.

Enter Justin. He has been a good sport and is letting me use his real name! Justin is the boy of my dreams. He is a dark sort of sunny and hails from San Francisco but has recently moved to New York to take up a job at a magazine in New York. I'm glad he moved to the east coast because hopefully he will lose some of his optimism and this will make him even more of a catch. Note: Brooding - also very cool. JP was sent to London to learn all there is to know about a new project this international magazine is currently involved with. Excuse my crypticisms but i've been sworn to secrecy. Lucky for me, sworn to secrecy in the sexiest way possible with his lucious finger placed on my mouth and telling me to hush. Unlucky for him, i'm currently blogging about it to the world.

I met Justin over a group dinner. I did my best to pretend he did not exist all in an attempt to make me seem aloof and too busy to notice there was someone at this group dinner I did not know. The boy came over here with no accommodation (im always told there is no money in magazines) and has been hopping from spare couch to spare room through people he knew and occasionally just met. One night, Justin asked if he could stay at mine because he was meeting friends in the area and it would be easier to crash close-by after the bastard tube closes. Umm yeah whatever excuses you need to suggest is fine with me.. im obviously the. beneficiary in this deal. I didn't offer because i live in an awesomelly (i know that's not how you spell awesomely but it makes it say my name) located flat but my room is more prison cell than a room. I explained my bed is tiny and as long as he didnt feel awkward it was cool. He didn't care. So recap of how cool we both were at this stage: I was cool that he was going to stay. He was cool my bed was small. So we were both generally winning in terms of cool. Got it?

I was home all night writing and learning how to microwave soup in the container that Marks and Spencer provide (did you guys know that?!) and Justin boozeface buzzed me and my heart raced a million miles because honestly- this boy is Cah-UTE and now he was walking up my stairs under the influence and could possibly kiss me!! I opened my front door, he came in and grabbed my head and smoooshed it into his chest. He is tall and I am small: it was awesome chest hugging chemistry. 

He came into my room and commented how spacious it is. Oh shit, he is funny too! I laughed more than was necessary, he took off his shirt and laid himself over my entire bed. I pretended not to be in awe of how lean and long his muscles were. I thought i was well over hipsters but his skinny jeans made his lower back look AWESOME (that 'awesome', was for my Manchestarian Cat). I continued to write at my desk (girls got deadlines) and occasionally asked him about his night. He was intoxi-fantastic and mumbled some shit about some people i didn't know and therefore didn't find interesting. He told me to come to bed. Like a new puppy, i didn't obey. But my god, did i want to! Then i was forced to sit there and pretend to keep working until he asked me again, (this time more aggressively) and then I pretended like I really wasn't ready to find a nook to sleep in... but yeah i was nicely perched on his right before he realised.

The boy was dishevelled and smelt like cigarettes, he could not have smelt sweeter to me. I watched him for a bit and i thank all those gods up there (buddha, you too) that he didn't open his eyes because my giant eyes lurking his finely formed face would be an awfully scary sight for him in pseudo-slumber state. He started playing with my hair at the nape of my neck. He told me, he thought I was weird. (don't be offended for me, it happens all the time). I asked him to rub my belly because it helps me sleep (which it does, i wasnt being a slut). He obliged, but that probably didn't help lessen my weirdness. Then he huskily giggled and lifted himself above me and almost collapsed on me to kiss me. I put my hand up on his chest to stop him and turned to the wall and went to bed. He said he was sorry, I said nothing and we both 'went to bed.' I'm not sure if he did, but I was there for hours thinking UM WHAT THE FUCK -YOU ARE A FOOL MELISSA! and i only call myself melissa in my head when i am super unhappy with myself.

Yeah biggest anti climax ever huh? When i woke up, Justin was still there (i was almost upset I didn't dream him) but he was asleep so I left him and made my way to work... eurghh im a fuck up.

TBC - more shit happened!

boys dont look at me anymore, last year they loved me but now they all hate me, i want a boyfriend, what should i do?

Boys don't look at you anymore? I find this hard to believe, unless you mean boys don't look at you with that cheeky spark which makes you think... 'hmm maybe we are going to kiss or at very least cuddle for 35 seconds which is 30 seconds more than friendly'

I think we have all fallen victim to a slump in pulling points. Sometimes its because you have a shitty haircut or you have lost too much weight and lets be fair: no one likes a gaunt lady with bad hair. If you have nice hair and a healthy bottom I fear to tell you, its just an unfortunate phase. A phase that will kill all your self esteem but I can almost certainly guarantee you that you'll pull through and your boy-dar will be trapping prey very soon.

You can only attract boys if your subconsciousness is in the right state of mind. I'm definitely not the first person to say this. I'm pretty sure I stole it from Carrie Bradshaw, who stole it from The New York Observer and that Bushnell lady probably stole it from Glamour Magazine or her older wiser sister's diary. Regardless of who stole what cookie, I can't tell you why this is the case but I can vouch this is the truth. If your head is obsessed with finding something, you will never find it. You are not giving it enough space to concentrate on pulling the mad babes. You are filling it with nonsense and distracting your brain tank from releasing your single vibes. It is not what you wear, or how many alcopops you down before you drunkenly text him... attracting boys is a secret power which you unknowingly harness.. when you are ready too.

It was strange. When I first broke up with my boyfriend I wasn't very upset. Well at the very beginning I wasnt that upset.. as we are all well aware i'm super hung up on him at the moment (but each day i'm a little further along in my rehabilitation, i hope to walk soon). It was months of anger and frustration finally coming to an end. I guess I was a little relieved and at the beginning I was almost at peace with it. My body relaxed and I started enjoying things which I hadnt for a long time. Going out dancing with my friends, drinking hot and colds with my friends, silent giggling on my stoop with my friends. (that makes it sound like I didn't enjoy my friends but i was referring to the activities) Boys were honestly the furthest thing from my mind and guess what? They were popping out of the woodwork like i lived in the boy woods. One flew to Melbourne from China and offered me his apartment while he went home to Holland. (Umm okay money bags??) Another reminded me he was now of legal age. (But still younger than my little brother. sorry kiddo) and another gave me a HD for going to dinner with him (not proud of this). Anyhow, my vibes were definitely out there lassoing boy villages because when your mind (a form of kryptonite if you will) does not meddle: your vibes are at their strongest.

I know its almost impossible to stop searching for that special boy but every day you spend with this frame of mind is one more day where you needlessly meddle with a possibly fairer fate. So tell those 'boy crazies'  in your brain to get out of here (!!) and go enjoy an ice cream in the sun with your friends... because the less you try interfere; the more likely this shit will happen. If this fails, go get a banging hair cut. Will pull babes for sure.

Ask me anything

one day

Often I find myself aimlessly staring at the empty tube tracks reasonably content with my selection of musique in my ears. At the moment I am all about Wild Nothing and These United States, I suggest you also try these fancy delicate jeans on. You can thank me later... in vanilla cupcakes with strawberry cream cheese frosting if you wish.

Im usually somewhere central along the platform and the train will begin to pull in and I will subconsciously but very carefully analyse the contents of each carriage. Fat homeless man kissing his dog, no thanks. Young ghetto school girls with super short skirts talking way loud, no thanks. Ill fitting power suits with too much hair product, no thanks- you would ruin my pillowcases. And ever so rarely. Ever so occasionally: I will spy a super cute boy worth my quickest footsteps. My heart in coordination with my eyesight will alert the rest of my body to get energised because we are about to secretly sprint (a very difficult task in itself) to chase down that gifted carriage.

I must be quick because I never fail to get on the cute boy carriage and one day I will be rewarded.

One day, the spotted cute boy will

a. be as cute as what I spied AND will talk to me. (can you have an eastern European accent?)

or equally as rewarding

b. not be as cute as I spied and will not talk to me. (I dont want to discuss football, mainly because you're ugly)

Ok thats all for now. Actually just one more tid bit. Apparently every glass of water you drink in London has been recycled up to 22 times. gross huh?!

dear hater mail

please stop. I will repost

on the previous post when

i gather my thoughts. You

have all given me a lot to

think about (and read) but I also will need

to explain what I was thinking

in the first place. In the mean time,

love a little more and hate a little less.

love you bye.