old st homeless man

Have you ever crushed on a homeless man? I'm not talking about an ironic hipster with store bought homeless steez - im talking run-of-the-mill, i sleep on the street, collect coins in a cup , eat from a can and sometimes have a cute dog to guilt you into giving me an extra couple of $$ type of man.

Last year just before leaving london to go back to the states I gave a homeless man all the coins in my wallet (purse, for you dignified folk). He said thank you and as i turned to walk away his friend asked him how much he would rate me out of ten.

homeless man: 2 and a half

I immediately thought ok that must be out of 5. But before i could turn to clarify they did it for me

homeless man's friend: out of 10?

homeless man: yer.

Was it my hangover? or that i was rushing to making my flight? was it the fact i had been sporting the same coat for two weeks straight? what a hypocritter, he has probably been sporting that coat for the last decade. Anyways, i was offended for about 30 minutes and when the blood rushed out of my cheeks i found it quite amusing. Only homeless men can get away with rating girls so arbitrarily, take note other boys. do not try this at home. i told my friends, suggesting it was the ultimate backhanded compliment although the rightly highlighted there was no hidden compliment lurking there..

Anyhow, water under the bridge. When i moved to London this year, i alighted at old st tube to meet a friend for vietnamese (can you say salt&pepper squid?!!! i can but not in vietnamese) and i dropped a few coins in my old friend's cup.

homeless man: thank you. 3 and a half out of ten.

Seriously, 3.5? I looked at him square in his moppy locks. Fuck. i would have given him atleast 6 after a scrub down. Lucky he divulged first or it could have really put our chemisty off kilter. as i walked away i was strangely delighted that I had risen one point and was excited for my next ranking... i would like to know if he does this for anyone else? or is it purely our cheeky little love game? 

Did this scale take into account inflation? not too sure. I like to think i'm getting better with age. like a nice block of cheese. blue cheese. nom.

spit the truth

they say honesty is a virtue but really it's just something that can get you in trouble with the principal. Yesterday i was strolling down newbury street and came to a halt at a crossing. A girl, a regular top knotted hipster with too much clothes on her top half and not enough clothes on her bottom half gave me a once over. It made me uncomfortable but i pretended like i was listening to something in my headphones when it be true that mi-phone was deadcakes. (that sounded gangster huh?)

her: I REALLY LIKE YOURRR SHOES

i'm not sure if she was shouting because she was american or because she thought i was listening to music.

me: oh thanks.

I'm not good with compliments. More so because I feel the need to find something about the other person to compliment. So i searched the girl. My mouth races well before my mind, another serious issue. i could talk until my mouth was raw. And this is what happened.

me: i really like your shorts. *glance at the back* ohhh wait no i dont.

her: WHAT?

By now i realised she was being loud because she was american, maybe because she was an offended american.

me: i mean, i like them but... not on your shape.

ok that wasn't a compliment either.

fuck. just bury me. skip the dirt and pile on the concrete. maybe it will crush my rib cage and render me mute.

me: i mean its kinda cold for shorts.

it was so humid my fringe was curly and i was drinking cold brew (which is amazing FHI, for her information).

her: OK BYE NOW.

yes. bye for now. let me never see your shape in those nice shorts again.

boys with burdens

Me: ahhh, im crushing on a boy mad silly

Him: i'm hyped you like someone

Me: he has a girlfriend

Him: he cant be messing like that. tell him to drop his burden or beat it.

me, not to him.. in a thought bubble if you will: boy-fucking-limma: liking boys you cannot like.

Why?! jesus? mary? jeff buckley??! tell me why the first boy to give me serious good belly aches in foreverness and you serve him up with a side of girlfriend which im pretty sure i strictly asked the waitress to skip. You are killing me. I am killing myself. Im slowly learning, life is not fair. It's like a game of backgammon when you need doubb sixes on your last roll to win and you get a two and a three. 

You can make a move but you are not going to win and let's be honest we all want to be winning.

Meanwhile, in another quarter of my cyberworld a little bluebird comes knocking on my inbox. Let's call her anita. Her name is not Anita but I like that name because you can get fancy and put a love heart on the top of the i. So i'll ctrl+v what she shared with me.

...after a serious 11 dry months where a guy has not even come close to catching my interest i have met the most incredible guy. I'm instantly attracted. we flirt for weeks.. actually maybe months! It is soo refreshing and nice. he isn't part of our scene. I really know nothin about him EVERYTHING is new and exciting. Then one day we have lunch and he freaks and tells me he has a girl He tells me he is sorry but he really likes her but he also really likes me because i'm new and exciting. he likes us both? is that possible? what should i do?...

I read this email and felt quease and quackers, cheese and crackers. And not epic ritz or saladas with vegemite. Something with poppyseeds that hurts to chew and makes me spew later. I couldn't believe it, this girl was me but back in melbourne and probably in a coat. I chilled on this email for a while, my usual gusto for words experiencing sudden stillness. 

I knew what i should tell her:

Drop him. Flee.

I knew what i wanted to tell her because then maybe it would come true for me:

Bide your time, it might happen.

So I guess there are two types of girls in this situation. And two very different paths to glory depending on what we would term 'glory'.

1. Barr the boy

I suggest putting on his girlfriend's boots and his behaviour will make you feel like you necked a bottle of cough syrup... unless you like that feeling (no judgement) then maybe necked a bottle of windex. VERY SICK. He has been super sly fox and she most likely a no eyed deer. I have been the girlfriend of the boy who finds the new shiny toy - and it sucks. If you still don't feel too bad: I like to think of her making him dinner. Oh man! she cooks him dinner? ohh and with parsley garnish? I can't mess with that. And either should you. So you don't get this boy, you give up a crushing belly and you might put on a few kilos because a pint of ice cream helps fill the void (tried and tested) BUT you leave the situation with no blood on your hands. You might not be able to see it now: but it will feel oh so good.

If the girlfriend lovingly preparing him meals is not enough to turn your unavailable-boy crush off

2. Bide your time and wait out the storm

You get deeper and deeper into crushdom (lets not forget he is still getting amazing meals from his gf after he finishes lunch with you) and this hardly happens (says the realist) but he drops his burden and holds your hand and other naughty stuff if you are lucky. So you get the boy and I think that's the only glory in the alternative ending which Warner have included on this dvd.. That's what you wanted right? but now you have to live with the guilt, and i promise you will lose many more nights sleep and you will probably end up eating more than a few pints of ice cream. But you can't feed a guilty feeling and hope that it leaves you. It will grow and seek more calories and take over you mind and you will end up way fat and undesirable and probably get dumped too. Ok that was harsh, but my friends would not have a minute of my pining over property which has already been claimed at lost and found.

me: my life is soo hard. *general other whining*

them: if he would do it to her, he would do it to you.

True. story. really you should take the fact he has shown you his major character flaw so early as a gift from jeff and the gang upstairs. His behaviour is a red flag for you to flee-t fox your way out of there. Feel bad for the girlfriend. But feel good you don't have to deal with heavy hearted lies and lovingly preparing parsley deco for his meal under the falsehood that he only has eyes for you.

So glory could mean having the BYO (boy - yours only) or having a certain magic inner peace. We can only make ourselves happy, you do not need a stone cold fox to do this - especially one which is fooling another poor girl. My boy crush, is now just a silly crush. He just makes me laugh and think about dumb shit when i'm down and most importantly makes me realise the sea has more than one sole fish... but thats it. I can't tell anita what to do but most of the time boys just take up too much space in your bed and take really large bites out of your magnum egos.

we do not need that. 

we need sunshine. :)

cover me tender

her vocals make my belly flip.